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The issue with our triggers is that in a bid to get it all, we can end up losing it all.
I burnt out catastrophically in April 2017. It was the worst time of my life and an experience I don’t want anybody else to go through. Thankfully, I recovered with the help of family, friends, and therapy. One critical discovery during my recovery is that there are habits that trigger in us the potential to act in ways that are not in our best interest and eventually lead to burnout. I have observed common triggers in myself and hundreds of coaching clients I have been privileged to work with worldwide. One of these triggers is the unrealistic deadline trigger.
When I was 24, two years after finishing university, I shared with my mentor that my goal was to be ‘made’ by 35. I explained how I would be a millionaire, tour the world, the car I would drive, how well my family would be living, etc. He listened, smiled, and said, “Nothing is impossible, but remember, it isn’t wise to lose yourself in your pursuit.” I never stopped to think about what he meant by “it isn’t wise to lose yourself in your pursuit.” I found out the hard way when I was in marriage therapy early in my marriage and after I burnt out.
I was stressed and was starting to hate my dream for putting me under pressure. I selfishly felt my wife’s role was to help me achieve my dream. She could take care of me whilst I doggedly pursued my goals. I know how naive and self-centred this sounds, but it was where I was. The issue with our triggers is that in a bid to get it all, we can end up losing it all.
To overcome our triggers, we need to know their roots. One significant benefit of therapy was discovering the source behind my desperation to meet my deadline. The more we zeroed in, the clearer it became that I was desperate to give my wife and children the best life. Although this is a noble cause, the driver was wrong. Growing up, I saw my dad achieve success early on and then lose it all. It was not his fault; it was simply unfortunate. I did not know I feared the same thing happening to me and what seemed to be an arbitrary deadline—made by 35—was my attempt to ensure it wouldn’t.
The discovery helped my wife understand that my pursuit was not because I cared more about my dream than her; I wanted the best for her. It also became clear that if I had achieved the lavish dream I described to my mentor by 35 at the rate I was going, I would have lost it all: my wife, important family and friends, my health, my soul.
Is setting unrealistic deadlines for the wrong reasons a trigger for you? If so, let’s find out the danger/’why’ of this trigger and discuss how to change it.
The critical danger with unrealistic deadlines is that we approach life like a sprint instead of a marathon. Life is a marathon, and the strategy for winning a marathon race differs from that of a sprint.
Imagine Usain Bolt, who set a new world record in the Olympics for the 100m race adopting the same strategy if he were doing a marathon. He gets on his marks, gets set and goes, sprinting like he was trying to set a new 100m world record. He might keep that pace for 200m, but soon after, he will slow down, and if he keeps pushing himself, burnout is inevitable even before the first 1k.
The why of unrealistic deadlines
The overriding cause of setting unrealistic deadlines is impatience. I do not subscribe to the adage that the patient dog gets the fattest bone. If you throw a bunch of bones to dogs, the dog that waits for the other dogs to have their share does not get the fattest bones; they get no bone. However, impatience or eagerness to succeed often leads to bad choices and eventual loss.
“Patience is a virtue” simply means it pays to wait. This type of waiting differs from the idle waiting of the aloof dog waiting for its fat bone by being active. During a season of active waiting, you are taking purposeful action, making wise choices and believing that your efforts will yield a harvest in due course.
Overcoming the unrealistic deadline trigger
The unrealistic deadline trigger is a relentless enslaver that consistently wants more. It aims to push you over the edge and eventually kill you. I have seen 40-year-olds look 60 because of the mileage they put on their bodies due to excessive demands placed on themselves. In one case, a friend’s nephew called him daddy more than once because his brother was rarely around, and he was there frequently. Another lady in her 40s had health challenges typically found in people in their 70s, and the doctor said it was due to the stress she put herself under and how hard she drove herself.
These saddening examples remind us why we should resist this trigger. Below I suggest a few ways we can keep this trigger at bay.
I once heard a speaker say, “It is foolish to be so focused on a destination called ‘success’, that we miss the opportunity to enjoy all that life has to offer along the way. Take time to smell the roses.” I made a list of everything I wanted to do when I reached ‘successville’ and committed to start enjoying these things, even if it was in the smallest way possible. I would try to knock at least one item off the list or do an aspect of it each year. I also made a list of smell the roses activities that would allow me to enjoy everyday life and committed to enjoying an activity each week that I found fun.
I cannot put into words the impact this change in philosophy has had on my life and will have on yours if you adopt it. The only words that come to mind are that I am living my best life now despite the problem and challenges I face. So can you.
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